Two Teens In Drivers Ed? Yikes! 8 Tricks to Curb Anxiety and Focus on Learning
My two teen sons just started driver's ed. Here are the eight things that reduced my anxiety
I have two soon-to-be 16-year-old boys who just got their learner’s permits and signed up for drivers ed. I don’t know how we got here so fast because it seems like they were playing with that chunky ring of oversized plastic baby toy keys just last week.
I’m really not okay.
Part of it is emotion over life moving so fast and realizing that the cuddly toddler stage is long gone and never coming back – mommy to bruh, anyone? – and part of it is fear that they’re going to get hurt behind the wheel. These are the humans who still need to be reminded to put their plates in the dishwasher and to wear a coat when it’s cold. They can’t be ready to make split-second decisions while focusing on traffic, correcting for weather, and keeping what everyone else is doing in their peripheral vision.
Ready or not, here we are and honestly, as much as I bemoan the fact that my babies aren’t babies anymore, I really don’t want to be driving them to the movies when they’re in their twenties, so yes, they have to learn to drive. Here’s what I have learned that reduced my anxiety.
This story is 100% human-researched and written based on actual first-person knowledge, extensive experience and expertise on the subject of cars and trucks.
1. Pick the Right Drivers Ed School
Select a driving school you’re comfortable with. There are a lot of things to consider besides the specifics of the program, such as pricing and location. We had three schools within a 10-mile radius of our house and one involved getting on the Interstate and passing through an area that’s known for traffic backups.
But, while convenience and cost are important, a parent’s comfort level with the people in charge of the school and the driving instructors themselves shouldn’t be overlooked. Are you comfortable with them? Will your teenager be comfortable with them? I think it takes a special breed of person (hel-lo nerves of steel) to teach teenagers to drive, but there’s also going to be some element of “Does this person pass the vibe check?” for both parents and teens.
2. Let the Driving Instructor Do Their Job
Although you’ll probably have to combine formal driving instruction with parent-logged hours (requirements vary by state) for teens to get their licenses, let the driving instructor do their job. Don’t contradict what they’re teaching and don’t say things like, “Well, that’s what your instructor says, but that’s not how it works out on the road.”
Even if you think it’s true.
3. Take a Hard Look at Your Own Driving Because They’re Really Watching You Right Now
Kids are always honed in on adult behavior and model what they do based on what we do. When they see you disregard the speed limit or get lax on safety rules, they’ll think it’s okay. And, we all know “Do as I say, not as I do” doesn’t really go over with kids of any age, especially teenagers who are anxious to do adult things.
Sure, I exceed the speed limit when I think I can get away with it and I don’t always drive with my hands in the “10 and two” position. And, while true road rage isn’t part of my personality, my kids have been witnesses to an occasional rude gesture given by me to a particularly frustrating driver.
4. Focus on Things Within Your Control
No matter who is driving, much of what happens on the road is not within our control – other drivers, weather, unexpected traffic – but as a parent, I can control preparation. We reinforce not driving tired or otherwise impaired – it is never too early to have that conversation and I don’t think you can have it often enough.
Talking through “what if” scenarios when you’re not behind the wheel can also be good thought starters for stressful situations that happen on the road. Talking about what went wrong or what could go wrong when your teen is behind the wheel is not a productive way to communicate with a new driver and you can control when these conversations happen.
5. Be Calm
Full disclosure: I haven’t been the front seat passenger with one of my new drivers behind the wheel just yet. They are still in the “drive with the instructor” phase, which will be followed by the “drive with dad” phase. That’s based on family dynamics and who is the calmest, most chill adult in our house. Spoiler: it is not me.
When my youngest came home from his first simulator drive, he told me – with a very straight face – that he found it much easier not to slow down before taking a turn. My first instinct was to flip out, but I managed to calmly explain why it was important to slow down before turning and that it would be uncomfortable to round a sharp corner going 40 mph.
Teens feed off our energy. If you’re tense, panicked, or overly critical, they’ll be tense too, and tense drivers don’t make better decisions. Save the big corrections for after you’ve safely parked the car. In the moment, aim for clear, neutral directions. You don’t want your teen drivers feeling anxious that they’re one mistake away from your meltdown over their driving.
6. Use Tracking Apps
When your kids start driving independently – mine are still at the learner’s permit stage and we haven’t reached that milestone yet – you’ll probably be hyper aware of their location and want to know everything that is going on while they’re in transit.
We use the Greenlight app, which is designed for money management but has a great location feature built in. Greenlight sends parents alerts on when a trip starts and ends and it also gives the driver a score, picking up things like rapid accelerations and sudden stops, even calculating how many miles over the speed limit a driver goes.
I’ve been on the receiving end of what I think are some unfair scores – technology isn’t perfect – but I refrain from saying that too loudly. See number three.
7. Set a Driving Contract and Establish Ground Rules
While we haven’t signed a formal contract with our kids, we have started working through some ground rules for our soon-to-be new drivers. We’re looking at limitations on nighttime driving, how far they’ll be allowed to go away from home on their own at first, and restrictions on driving their friends places.
We’re adopting a “wait and see how you do” approach and making clear that we’re not okay with a newly-minted driver taking a carful of their friends to a beach that’s two hours away.
Lastly, Don’t Be in a Hurry
We are not in a hurry for our kids to get their driver’s licenses, although they may feel differently. Because they got a late start to driver’s ed, they won’t be lined up at the DMV on the morning of their sixteenth birthdays and that’s okay.
While sometimes, it’s frustrating to have a busy day where both my kids need to be in different places at different times and I think, “I can’t wait until they’re driving on their own,” this season of car life only rolls around once.
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